My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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