hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
