Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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