Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
