This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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