Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Sext me about skeletons
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
