if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
