I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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