We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
