Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
