matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
