Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
