if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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