My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
