Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
