Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
