So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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