the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
