my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
