It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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