pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
