i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
