Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
