Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
