i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
