you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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