His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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