i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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