I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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