Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
