you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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