Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
