I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
