her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
