So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So much Jack, so little girl.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
