why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
