I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
