Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
