Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
