smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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