And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
