I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
