her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I didn't notice because vodka
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
