I need help removing her.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
