I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
