oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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