I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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