So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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