awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
