Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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